(last update: 12.13."11)
Not only were first Monte-Cristans of a naturally peaceful nature, but the experience of the Wars of Religion left horrified, traumatic memories. Then the country was totally ravaged, devastated, by the troops of both sides and soldiery gone rogue. No war is as cruel as a civil or religious one, and when both are combined… Monte-Cristan tradition mentions ‘heretics’’ babes cooked in the baker oven (as, later, done by Republican troops in Vendee), and people pressed alive in a wine press by Christians of differing conviction – though no one remembers who pressed and who was pressed. While des Entommeures’s mercenaries were tired of bloodbath and war.
Now Monte-Cristans are fully aware that their cherished country is far too tiny to defend itself by the force of arms, and that military alliance with a major power would be the best way to be dragged into a war that would not be their own at all. So they count instead on the Presipapal active policy of «lucrative neutrality» to keep war out of their frontiers. Thus the armed forces are kept to a minimum - while since the time of des Entommeures they cared to weave and maintain links with potential allies.
A - LES GARDES DE L’ETRIER (The Guards of the Stirrup)
The mercenaries that settled in Monte-Cristo with des Entommeures merged with the local population, but now and then an irresistible lust for military adventure reappears in young Monte-Cristans. By tradition they can enlist as ‘natives’ in both armies of France and Savoy, but since the TYW most prefer to be recruited in a German army; some prefer to embark in a foreign Navy Those who retire with at least non-commissioned officer rank while still of fighting age (actually a criterion to select people with a brilliant military career) can volunteer to the Gardes de l’Etrier.
Currently of a reinforced cavalry troop strenght, the Guard is commanded by a Lieutenant-Major, the POPP being its nominal captain.
The uniform is strikingly similar, in cut and decoration, to that of the English Horse (except for the lower sleeves and cuff, of French Garde du corps pattern), but while red ('Soldiers are red-clad') the coat is more orange (actually the traditional color worn by the Masaï African tribe), black (velvet) facings in remembrance of the Compagnie Noire, the Black Company. Saddlecloth assorted to the coat, white smallclothes. Except for the POPP in Capitain uniform, the belt is worn above the closed justaucorps (coat). The carbine bandolier, like that of the French Gardes du Corps, is silver but with alterning squares of Monte-Cristan (‘Mermaid’s) dark pink silk and black velvet. Except for the POPP, a very low chapka is worn instead of the tricorn, French scarlet with a short hanging tuff of white horsehair (French Napoleon III lancers fashion, but proportionate to the low headgear); white chapka with dark pink horsehair for the trumpeter (the first POPP when still a mercenary commander, had a bodyguard-cum-military police body mainly of Polish origin, which he kept in active service when settling in Monte-Cristo).
The musicians: trumpeter, tambourinaire (*) and bagpiper, wear a tabard with false sleeves of very obsolete (mid-17°C) pattern. Of ‘fire’ silk (changing from red to yellow, as on the flag of the French Royal Artillery regiment), lined black, with the ‘dark pink on silver’ Monte-Cristan livery lace alternating with the silver and red ‘Flaming Skull’ motif on silver-edged black velvet livery lace of the Black Company of old. A large ‘Flaming Skull’ ornates the back of the tabard. The waistcoat worn under the tabard is bleu turquois [a light-(medium) blue with a hint of green (desaturated {primary blue + a touch of cyan}): close to 'aqua'] faced dark pink, with Monte-Cristan lace along the sewings ["double" lace, but for the trumpeter only "single" lace in 'n°2 dress' ; if, as sometimes muttered, the numerical strength of the Compagnie is far larger than officially suggested / officiously acknowledged, 'n° 1 dress' would actually be that of the Trumpet-Major].
(*) : the Tambourinaire is a traditional musician of Provence, playing simultaneously the 'galoubet' -a very peculiar pipe- with one hand and the 'tambourin' -a high drum- with the other. In Monte-Cristan military service tambourinaires wear a white round hat identical to the corrida picador’s, with a cockade/ large rosette of a color associated to the unit –dark pink here. The Gardes' tambourinaire is seen here as equivalent to the kettledrummer elsewhere.
In accordance with local practice, the tambourinaire is accompanied by a cabrettaire (bagpiper).
Monte-Cristan music being basically merry and non-military, in 'serious' / ceremonial circumstances the 'band' plays old marching tunes inherited from the cosmopolitan Compagnie Noire.The overabundant lace and embroidery that ornate the POPP’s tricorn and justaucorps (viz. a Capitain of French Gardes du Corps’ combined with that of an officer of Prussian IR15 Batallion Garde [!]) repeats discreetly, using gold threads of different color and size and different embroidery stitchs, the ‘Flaming Skull’ motif of the Black Company.
The high, heavy, ‘strong’ boots worn in mounted service, the ‘soft’ high boots worn in outdoor dismounted service, and the low shoes (worn with white stockings) of the Palace indoor service, have vermilion-painted heels.
As decoration of the saddlecloth and saddle pistol holsters (of French Household general pattern), a princely crown above a M and C partly interlaced with a golden Mermaid in Beauty superimposed to the letters.
The Company rides black horses («Der Tod rei’t auf einem kohlschwarzen Rappen») except the Lieutenant-Major (grey) and the musicians (very clear dappled greys), while the POPP in his quality of Captain rides a white pure-breed mare.
Standard weaponry is a carbine and a very impressive ‘forte epee’ /pallask that can be fixed to the carbine as a socket bayonet (OK, Napoleon III’s Cent-Gardes fashion, I confess the inspiration!), mainly for foot service – but could be also used when mounted as a kind of spear (mainly to pick apples and pears from the trees). A large hunting dagger is worn on the right side – Guards learn to mastery the old fencing technique with ‘main gauche’ (out-fashioned, almost forgotten and thus a very nasty surprise for their opponent). A pair of pistols complete their armament, huge ones in the saddle holsters when mounted, smaller ones worn on either side of the belt buckle (except fot the POPP as Captain) when on foot service. When in Guard uniform, the POPP wears des Entommeures' own pair of weapons: a huge 'forte epee' and an odd medium-sized sword to be used as 'main gauche' (its hilt is late 16° C but the blade at least a century older); their names, "Veuveuse" and "Etripiere", can be translated respectively as 'Widowmaker' and 'Gutter'.
The Company standard, on the ‘Presipapal’ side (viewed with the pole to the right of the viewer), is similar to the ‘national’ flag, with the Mermaid slightly larger and moved upward, with a bleu turquois scroll below her, displaying this ambiguous, perhaps sarcastic motto (in latin): «We do not make war, we pacify» embroidered in gold. On the other side of the flag the plant motifs in the corners are replaced with four French scarlet horse heads (similar to the hippomorph part of the ‘knight’ chess piece) turned 45° to actually face the corners. The scroll is black, with the «Qui s’y frotte s’y pique» (in latin) motto embroidered in silver; a vermillion stirrup is partly visible behind the scroll. The staff of the standard –mimicking a diminutive knightly lance, as with every cavalry flag of the time) is painted black, with a glittering silver head.
A rank very peculiar to the Company is that of Sous-Lieutenant du Coeur ('Sub-lieutenant of the Heart'): in formal occasions he wears a kind of black velvet and siver harness, more or less mimicking the front of 3/4 armour, incorporating on the breast a reliquary holding the ashes of des Entommeures' heart. On his shoulders a short cape not dissimilar to the back of the musicians' tabard. He doubles as the Enseigne, the Company standard bearer. As in most outfits, the standard is carried on parades on during drill by the junior officer, but on the march (rolled) by a sergeant, the Porte-Etendard. When the Enseigne wears the Heart, he walks first, before the musicians, and the standard is carried behind them by the Porte-Etendard. In battle (a very hypothetical occurence!) he would wear both the Heart and the flag.
On May 7th the Gardes wear a red carnation fastened by a black string to the cockade of their chapka.
Female Gardes? Formally, Monte-Cristan law rules women out of military career; but, as with most laws of the Presipality, this one suffers exceptions. Women appear among the Carabiniers as bandswomen, probably also some of the Investigateurs are female (see 12.31."08 comment below). Less known is the fact that there are a few women among the Gardes: every generation a few specially adventurous Monte-Cristan girls, masquerading as boys, enlist in foreign armies; also, in every country there are a few 'amazons' who like to dress and fight like men -generally they are outstanding duelists- who serve their country's undeground diplomacy. Women of both categories, when they retire, if they qualify and volunteer, are allowed to be enlisted among the Gardes (bio. of one of them posted as O8.21."10 comment below). The main difference with their male counterparts is that they generally wear civilian clothes when appearing in public -although openly bearing a very functional sword, and their personal dagger on the right hip- reserving their uniforms for the Gardes' funerals and other private ceremonies: nonetheless their existence is not a total secret, even outside Monte-Cristo in specially well informed circles.
Printed in Monte-Cristo, this popular colored etching refers (without naming her) to a (mythical?) episode of Claire Baizanville (now sous-lieutenant in the Gardes)'s adventures in the Caribbean (when she was a "Pirette"?). The man depicted covering her back against religious fanatics (?) is the British Colonial actually known for the moving poem he wrote after dreaming of her death. By discretion he used a less transparent name in a later poem. Some casual remarks ("Ah quel plaisir de voir cette belle Beyrouth!") suggest that Claire traveled to the East as far as Lebanon.
It must be mentioned that Monte-Cristans whisper several disturbing rumours about the Gardes -rumours they keep carefully all strangers in ignorance of. They would called themselves the 'Einherjar'. A motto (in German) would be engraved on the blade of their daggers: "Meine Ehre heisst Treue". Most, if not all, of the Gardes would sometimes, when officially off-duty, take part in 'bloody secret errands' for 'National Security sake'.
The secret traditions of the Corps would be far darker than their benevolent appearance suggests - indeed the traditional will of any Garde to die sword in hand -even if dying in his bed from illness or old age- may have a deeper meaning than a mere ritual gesture.
As is 'private Monte-Cristan knowledge' the word (fact?) that the unwritten Constitution allocates to the Gardes (leading other 'Services') the duty to 'retire' a POPP that would have turned unworthy or senile.
B - LES CARABINIERS DE MONTE-CRISTO
Officially a home defense and police force doubling as firefighters, actually firefighters occasionally doubling as police and customs officers. Also called ‘Carabiniers de Calabre’, since most of their initial core was made of retired mercenaries native of Calabria –the Black Company was a very cosmopolitan bunch.
Only ¼ of them are full-time professionals –mainly retired soldiers, but the Investigateurs (detectives) learned their trade serving five years in the Prefecture de Police of Paris. The complement is made up of volunteers training weekly in exchange of a reduction of taxes, in addition to their intervention as firefighters (paid apart).
Given its role the Corps is largely decentralized: every hamlet has a few volunteers, every village a nucleus of professionals with pumps, leather buckets, &c…: being on oath they can act as rural policemen, forest wardens, game keepers, customs and municipal police officers. A little under half of the Corps is concentrated in the City of Monte-Cristo. A full company of professionals is quartered in the Presipapal Palace –the only one to have officially firefighting as its first duty. This company was recently 'doubled' (10."07 entry), then when it provided volunteers to build the Equipage de Carabiniers Nautes embarked as marines on the antipodial exploration goelette La Petillante (O4."08 entry), new recruits were enlisted to replace them in the Palace.
The uniform is strikingly similar to that of the Arquebusiers de Grassin, but with different colors: medium green coat lined the same and waistcoat, black breeches, black headgear with a green plume, metal: gold (origin: Destination: Calabria).
The fur edging the coat varies with rank: black for troops, red fox/ red squirrel for sergeants, white for officers (ermine for the colonel!), dyed bright red for the musicians (white for the Tambour-Major and Tambourinaire-Major, who rank as junior officers). Additionally the coat of the various musicians, instead of green, displays the Monte-Cristan livery: bleu turquois with dark pink facings and abundant ‘Monte-Cristan’ livery lace (dark pink motif on silver). The Tambour-Major and Tambourinaire-Major (acting as band leader) have lapels like the Grassin grenadiers and ‘Grande Livree’ with doubled lace. The mirlitons of the Tambour-Major and company drummers are white instead of black. The Tambourinaires of course wear their traditional white round hat, with a green cockade/ rosette, as do the Cabrettaires playing the local cabretta bagpipe (same number as Tambourinaires, following the Monte-Cristan tradition of paired performing).
TheInvestigateurs 
(detectives, currently under the command of Commissaire Mouafaure-Labitt, uncle of the commander of the Carabiniers-Nautes), while not directly in command of troops, are uniformed like officers of the Corps. Their badge of office, rarely 'on display' when 'en bourgeois' (in civilian clothes) is a very peculiar, oversized gorget. When acting in civilian dress (the -bulletproof- gorget generally worn under the waistcoat, covering the heart), they wear a huge knotted stick with the edges reinforced with steel, a leaded pommel, and which is actually a swordstick, the ‘scabbard’ then doubling as a parrying weapon with a vicious spike! They generally carry it when in uniform, instead of the rifle and bayonet, with two pistols at the waistbelt. As a rule, on duty they also carry bolas, so convenient to stop a fugitive in his track.
When firefighting the Carabiniers wear high black leather boots, a long black leather overcoat and a blackened ‘pot en tête’ helmet similar to the one worn by French sappers-miners earthworking or mining during a siege.
While the Carabiniers sometimes rent fishermen boats (and their crews) for customs patrols, they did not received yet their intended special 'on board' sailor-like uniform (which would have been: large black trousers, green short 'Navy' jacket, tarred felt round hat with a side of the brim up or, on heavy duty, a knitted black beret with a green pompon [tourie], two pistols at the belt; old-fashioned coat, green lined the same, tricorn for sergeants; fashionable justaucorps green lined black, black waistcoat and breeches, tricorn for officers). May be this uniform was not issued because, would one day Monte-Cristo launch a Sky Galleon to Mars (Louys' secret dream, according to some hearsay -but why *Mars*?), it would be that of the Aetheronauts. Update: this uniform was recently given to the Carabiniers Nautes (see above).
As for weaponry, the Carabiniers are often nicknamed ‘Arquebusiers’ in reference to their obsolete musket –an early type of firelock– nonetheless modified to receive a surprisingly modern socket bayonet doubling as a saw with its dagger hilt and serrated back. Like other infantrymen of the time they also have a straight sword. Privates and corporals wear a hatchet on the right side, attached to the cartridge box bandolier. Sergeants instead have a very huge carpenter /woodcutter two-handed ax carried on the back, and to compensate only a light cavalry carbine, modified to receive the Corps’ bayonet. While ‘Carabiniers’ refer to ‘carabine’, i.e. in French a rifled carbine, only junior officers own such, again modified to receive the Corps’ bayonet. Senior officers and Investigateurs instead have a pair of two-shots pistols worn in holsters on either side of the belt buckle, and no bayonet but the same huge hunting dagger as the Guards. All officers of course have a very large ‘forte epee’/ pallack.
It must be noted that the Carabiniers have no 'captains': lower ranks exist, as do higher ones -colonel(s?), adjudant-colonel(s?) as their executive officers, lieutenant-colonels commanding battalions, even -in theory?- a colonel-general; but company commanders are called 'majors' (for lieutenant-major). The same applies to any para-military outfits and militia in the Presipality: there is only one 'Capitaine' in Monte-Cristo, the Prince-President as captain of the Gardes de l'Etrier and heir of the Capitaine of the Compagnie Noire.
Theband is oversized, with regard not only with the Corps, but with the country itself.
Made up of unpaid volunteers rehearsing on their free time, it has a strength of 450+ (increased recently to 520+) so that it can always parade in its official strength (including company drummers and fifers) of 397 (The band was recently increased by 6 ranks (early O4."08 entry: +73 men since the kös giant kettledrums player and the 6 carriers take only 6 files) in what, in typically Monte-Cristan convoluted fashion, could be a diplomatic hint as much as a mark of musical taste: hence the new parade total 397): a Tambour-Major, a Tambourinaire-Major and 34 ranks of 12 instrumentalists (the plane trees -var. flatanus Amabit- and horse-chestnut trees doubled-lined Boulevards and Avenues of Monte-Cristo City are more than enough wide for such a formation). The musicians rarely play martial hymns: their repertoire consist mainly of funeral marches –no Monte-Cristan, whatever his or her position, unless sentenced to death, is buried without a delegation of the band playing– and drinking and dancing tunes –musicians can be hired for private feasts such as weddings, and the band plays for free in the open-air theatre every Sunday and official holiday. Unofficially, many members of the band are women, specially in the woodwinds section.
In formal occasions the band parades behind the unit's mascott, a monstruous black billygoat (always called 'Alphonse') in green trappings displaying sibylline mottos and quotations ('Tu me tiens par la barre, Bichette!', 'Enfonce, Alphonse!, 'Vive le tennis en pension!', 'Le Bon Secours, Madame!', 'Laissez l'effet se faire', 'T'habites a combien de Tours?', 'Mes tantes, elargissez le petit cercle de vos relations, 'Tu l'as velu, tu l'as eu!', 'Gaffe avec ta cognee, Rene!', 'Valencia, tu avances quand je recule comment veux-tu que je t'em..brasse', 'Elles habitent des gites infames', 'Chasseur as-tu vu le Trou de Montluc?', 'Arrete ou ma paire va tirer!', 'Non tu ne verras plus les poeles de merlu!', 'La peau de meroud s'tond', '1 fût 2 caisses, la main entre les caisses le doigt dans le trou du fût', 'Le désir s'accroît quand l'effet se recule', 'Trop bon a coulisse', 'T'habites Rabat?', 'L'abbé secoue les nouilles', 'Eh, le vice, presse-les!, 'Meteo et enleve le bas!', 'Les parasites nous brouillent l'ecoute', 'Le congre debout', 'Elise, viens que je te bise - Je prefere qu'on m'appelle Therese', 'La viele a roue pete', 'Je me sens cons cerné', 'Elles mastiquent avec gourmandise', 'Les gladiateurs circculent dans le sang', 'Dominique ta mere!', 'Mamy ecrase les prouts', 'Introduis ton long morceau dans un concours', 'Percez le fut de la Creuse', 'Para, c'est ta molle!', 'T'habites a combien de Tours?, 'Etude: tire la chose au clerc', 'Pousse tes, pousse tes escarres Paulette!', 'Il court, le furet', 'Le vent siffle dans la rue du quai', 'Maitre Autrou de Bale', 'SOS mes deux seins', 'Rose devant, renoncule par derriere', 'Les maçons du coeur, 'Poil a ma zoute!', 'Apres le dessert on circule en couronne', 'Appreciez les masses de perturbateurs', 'Encore eut-il fallu que je le susse'...). The beast is led by two corporal-fouriers (a professional holding the right rein and a volunteer) who for the occasion wear Presipapal livery lace on all sewings of their coat, and substitute the plume of their mirliton with a twig of black pine (with cone) or green oak (with acorn) respectively.
The flag is of the very large infantry type of the time. On the ‘Presipapal’ side (viewed with the pole to the right of the viewer), it is similar to the ‘national’ flag, with the Mermaid slightly larger and moved upward, with a bleu turquois scroll below her, with the motto (in latin): «To Serve and Protect» embroided in gold. On the other side of the flag the plant motifs in the corners are replaced with four bright red with gold veins oblique ‘bursts of flame’ (as on Burgundian shields under Charles the Bold). The scroll is ‘fire’ (changing yellow/red as on the flag of the French Royal artillery), with the «By Sweat and Steel against Fire and Iron» (in latin) motto embroided in blackened pewter. The staff of the standard is painted with the coat’s green, and ends with a golden pike head.
Carabiniers commonly use goat carts to carry their pumps, leather buckets and tools, and to evacuate the wounded. It is sometimes whispered that 'in case of need' such carts would carry ammunition, explosives, Greek Fire, 'amusettes' and coheorn mortars as well (?).
In every hamlet and village
, and subdivision of the City, a Carabinier is also the Crieur who 'barks' public announcements after ringing a bell to call for attention ('You have to buy him a drink to start ringing, and two to stop'). Being off-duty as a Carabinier he wears then his mirliton, a green peasant smocks; his brass badge of office is fixed on the large leather shoulder belt ending with a hook for the bell. In the City, and villages large enough, the Crieurs double as night watchmen - with halberd, lantern, and alarm whistle- who care for public lightning.
In time of dire emergency –fire gone out of control, rioting foreigners, invasion– the tocsin alarm bell would call the whole population to help the Carabiniers (they would then act as a cadre for the general levy). This general mobilization would be quite effective in the first two cases; against an invasion in force, Monte-Cristans would be hopeless. Yet the popular ‘beret hunting’ provides good shots, and the millenium-old general tour of duty in the ‘Saracen Watch’ on every higth along the whole shore insures that even townsmen know well their home terrain. And the normally gentle and peaceful Monte-Cristans can turn to bloodthirsty fanatics when their tranquility, peace and way of life is threatened (last comment): during the Great Plague of Marseilles 
Monte-Cristo put itself in quarantine. Refugees –all strangers, actually– attempting to enter the Presipality were mercilessly shot down from a safe distance by the population. Authorities neither endorsed nor interfered. Indeed the unofficial chorus of the national anthem can be translated (in a rather understated tone) :
«All that we ask is that one leaves us alone,
leaves us alone!
All that we want is that you leave us alone,
Leave us alone!
Piss off!
Piss off!»
ANNEX: PARAMILITARY ELEMENTS
Within the 'Civilian' Presipapal Household (see comments), two 'Services' are deemed 'armed': indeed their members bear weapons in some circumstances, and are well trained to their use. The Ecuries et Equipages (Stables and Carriages) and Foresterie et Venerie (Forestery and Hunt) could, in case of need, each furnish the equivalent of a company of Dragoons.
The Ecuries et Equipages breed the 'black and tan' Adelains horses (see O5."9 comment): their officers ride such, while the tambourinaire and trumpeter(s?) are mounted on very rare 'tan and black' Contradelains.
Since all their members are basically dressed in the Presipapal livery, the trumpeter and hornist wear the livery lace on a 'reversed' coat (i.e. dark pink lined bleu turquois) with shoulder 'wings' British Grenadier fashion. While for the Ecuries the lacing is of 'Household' type, for the Foresteries on the sleeves it appears as chevrons, German infantry fashion, to reflect the 'dragoons-equivalent' status.
The silver fringes of the guidons (and silver spearhead ending the knightly lance-like flag staffs) are assorted to the buttons of the uniform and to the silver lace of the tricorn. On the 'company' side, the 'Flaming Skull' of the Black Company denotes the 'fighters' nature of the service; the 'Presipapal' obverse displays the normal National Colour, but with the Flaming Skull replacing the Thistle. The staffs are painted ventre-de-biche and forester green, respectively.
Note that women can join the two 'Armed Services' as well as any other of the Presipapal Household.
Current commanders: Ecuries et Equipages: Ecuyer Palatin: Chevalier Moiterives de Marrey: during the War of Polish Succession had raised his own Corps Franc (secretly funded by the French Crown) the smelly Maraudeurs de Marrey. Severely wounded more than once at their head, was physically unfit to join the Gardes when he retired home, yet they insisted to enlist him as honorary member.
Foresterie et Venerie: Arquebusier Palatin: Sieur Trouduc de Vertechiasse, nicknamed 'le Gros Colon', retired after a meteoric career in French service, (from aspirant ['L'aspirant habite Javel'] in the Chevau-Legers d'Abeaucon-Levimonte, the 'Bordelaise' -or 'Bordeliere'- company of French Gendarmerie to 'colon ascendant' (lieutenant-colonel earmarked for direct promotion to brigadier) in the thoroughly inquisitive Explorateurs de Lanusse) and a famous hunter. At first had some difficulties with the idea that back home he would have to *care* for the game (while most Monte-Cristans, because of the importance of the Fada Esterella mythos in their culture, feel a deep respect for wild beasts).
In a mountainous, inhabited section of the Monte-Cristan shore adeep , narrow creek -a calanque- is covered by a curved promontory, so that no one can see it from the sea. Here Institut Munchausen, the 'Special Board' of the Academie, tests its new weapon systems; it would be the dockyard and home port of any *really* weird contraption -casting doubts on the backer's sanity- POPP Louys would order. Two old, flat-bottomed prames deprived of their masts are beached closed the quarry in one of side cliffs. During moonless winter nights rocks of hundreds or thousands tons are hauled on rollers down to between the two ships. These act as floats when the whole is towed to locations prepared by divers, where the rocks are immersed so that their crest is some one foot below the sea surface. Genovese fishermen and Corsican smugglers believe that Monte-Cristans know how to *grow* reefs around their peninsula, and carefully avoid its waters.
The uninhabited, barren, 'cursed' islet of Montecristo benefits from the same protection. Rumors that the Presipality uses it as a secret, underground jail, taking advantage of the volcanic fumes to cover up any smoke, are firmly denied by the Palace.
Mars disarmed by Venus: make love, not war!
Now Monte-Cristans are fully aware that their cherished country is far too tiny to defend itself by the force of arms, and that military alliance with a major power would be the best way to be dragged into a war that would not be their own at all. So they count instead on the Presipapal active policy of «lucrative neutrality» to keep war out of their frontiers. Thus the armed forces are kept to a minimum - while since the time of des Entommeures they cared to weave and maintain links with potential allies.
The mercenaries that settled in Monte-Cristo with des Entommeures merged with the local population, but now and then an irresistible lust for military adventure reappears in young Monte-Cristans. By tradition they can enlist as ‘natives’ in both armies of France and Savoy, but since the TYW most prefer to be recruited in a German army; some prefer to embark in a foreign Navy Those who retire with at least non-commissioned officer rank while still of fighting age (actually a criterion to select people with a brilliant military career) can volunteer to the Gardes de l’Etrier.
Currently of a reinforced cavalry troop strenght, the Guard is commanded by a Lieutenant-Major, the POPP being its nominal captain.
The uniform is strikingly similar, in cut and decoration, to that of the English Horse (except for the lower sleeves and cuff, of French Garde du corps pattern), but while red ('Soldiers are red-clad') the coat is more orange (actually the traditional color worn by the Masaï African tribe), black (velvet) facings in remembrance of the Compagnie Noire, the Black Company. Saddlecloth assorted to the coat, white smallclothes. Except for the POPP in Capitain uniform, the belt is worn above the closed justaucorps (coat). The carbine bandolier, like that of the French Gardes du Corps, is silver but with alterning squares of Monte-Cristan (‘Mermaid’s) dark pink silk and black velvet. Except for the POPP, a very low chapka is worn instead of the tricorn, French scarlet with a short hanging tuff of white horsehair (French Napoleon III lancers fashion, but proportionate to the low headgear); white chapka with dark pink horsehair for the trumpeter (the first POPP when still a mercenary commander, had a bodyguard-cum-military police body mainly of Polish origin, which he kept in active service when settling in Monte-Cristo).
The musicians: trumpeter, tambourinaire (*) and bagpiper, wear a tabard with false sleeves of very obsolete (mid-17°C) pattern. Of ‘fire’ silk (changing from red to yellow, as on the flag of the French Royal Artillery regiment), lined black, with the ‘dark pink on silver’ Monte-Cristan livery lace alternating with the silver and red ‘Flaming Skull’ motif on silver-edged black velvet livery lace of the Black Company of old. A large ‘Flaming Skull’ ornates the back of the tabard. The waistcoat worn under the tabard is bleu turquois [a light-(medium) blue with a hint of green (desaturated {primary blue + a touch of cyan}): close to 'aqua'] faced dark pink, with Monte-Cristan lace along the sewings ["double" lace, but for the trumpeter only "single" lace in 'n°2 dress' ; if, as sometimes muttered, the numerical strength of the Compagnie is far larger than officially suggested / officiously acknowledged, 'n° 1 dress' would actually be that of the Trumpet-Major].
(*) : the Tambourinaire is a traditional musician of Provence, playing simultaneously the 'galoubet' -a very peculiar pipe- with one hand and the 'tambourin' -a high drum- with the other. In Monte-Cristan military service tambourinaires wear a white round hat identical to the corrida picador’s, with a cockade/ large rosette of a color associated to the unit –dark pink here. The Gardes' tambourinaire is seen here as equivalent to the kettledrummer elsewhere.
In accordance with local practice, the tambourinaire is accompanied by a cabrettaire (bagpiper).
Monte-Cristan music being basically merry and non-military, in 'serious' / ceremonial circumstances the 'band' plays old marching tunes inherited from the cosmopolitan Compagnie Noire.The overabundant lace and embroidery that ornate the POPP’s tricorn and justaucorps (viz. a Capitain of French Gardes du Corps’ combined with that of an officer of Prussian IR15 Batallion Garde [!]) repeats discreetly, using gold threads of different color and size and different embroidery stitchs, the ‘Flaming Skull’ motif of the Black Company.
The high, heavy, ‘strong’ boots worn in mounted service, the ‘soft’ high boots worn in outdoor dismounted service, and the low shoes (worn with white stockings) of the Palace indoor service, have vermilion-painted heels.
As decoration of the saddlecloth and saddle pistol holsters (of French Household general pattern), a princely crown above a M and C partly interlaced with a golden Mermaid in Beauty superimposed to the letters.
The Company rides black horses («Der Tod rei’t auf einem kohlschwarzen Rappen») except the Lieutenant-Major (grey) and the musicians (very clear dappled greys), while the POPP in his quality of Captain rides a white pure-breed mare.
Death rides a jet-black stallion
Face hooded
When the boys march to battle
Walks at their side.
Death rides a snow-white mare
As beautiful as an Angel from Heaven
When the girls go dancing
Enters their ring.
Face hooded
When the boys march to battle
Walks at their side.
Death rides a snow-white mare
As beautiful as an Angel from Heaven
When the girls go dancing
Enters their ring.
Standard weaponry is a carbine and a very impressive ‘forte epee’ /pallask that can be fixed to the carbine as a socket bayonet (OK, Napoleon III’s Cent-Gardes fashion, I confess the inspiration!), mainly for foot service – but could be also used when mounted as a kind of spear (mainly to pick apples and pears from the trees). A large hunting dagger is worn on the right side – Guards learn to mastery the old fencing technique with ‘main gauche’ (out-fashioned, almost forgotten and thus a very nasty surprise for their opponent). A pair of pistols complete their armament, huge ones in the saddle holsters when mounted, smaller ones worn on either side of the belt buckle (except fot the POPP as Captain) when on foot service. When in Guard uniform, the POPP wears des Entommeures' own pair of weapons: a huge 'forte epee' and an odd medium-sized sword to be used as 'main gauche' (its hilt is late 16° C but the blade at least a century older); their names, "Veuveuse" and "Etripiere", can be translated respectively as 'Widowmaker' and 'Gutter'.
The Company standard, on the ‘Presipapal’ side (viewed with the pole to the right of the viewer), is similar to the ‘national’ flag, with the Mermaid slightly larger and moved upward, with a bleu turquois scroll below her, displaying this ambiguous, perhaps sarcastic motto (in latin): «We do not make war, we pacify» embroidered in gold. On the other side of the flag the plant motifs in the corners are replaced with four French scarlet horse heads (similar to the hippomorph part of the ‘knight’ chess piece) turned 45° to actually face the corners. The scroll is black, with the «Qui s’y frotte s’y pique» (in latin) motto embroidered in silver; a vermillion stirrup is partly visible behind the scroll. The staff of the standard –mimicking a diminutive knightly lance, as with every cavalry flag of the time) is painted black, with a glittering silver head.
A rank very peculiar to the Company is that of Sous-Lieutenant du Coeur ('Sub-lieutenant of the Heart'): in formal occasions he wears a kind of black velvet and siver harness, more or less mimicking the front of 3/4 armour, incorporating on the breast a reliquary holding the ashes of des Entommeures' heart. On his shoulders a short cape not dissimilar to the back of the musicians' tabard. He doubles as the Enseigne, the Company standard bearer. As in most outfits, the standard is carried on parades on during drill by the junior officer, but on the march (rolled) by a sergeant, the Porte-Etendard. When the Enseigne wears the Heart, he walks first, before the musicians, and the standard is carried behind them by the Porte-Etendard. In battle (a very hypothetical occurence!) he would wear both the Heart and the flag.
On May 7th the Gardes wear a red carnation fastened by a black string to the cockade of their chapka.
It must be mentioned that Monte-Cristans whisper several disturbing rumours about the Gardes -rumours they keep carefully all strangers in ignorance of. They would called themselves the 'Einherjar'. A motto (in German) would be engraved on the blade of their daggers: "Meine Ehre heisst Treue". Most, if not all, of the Gardes would sometimes, when officially off-duty, take part in 'bloody secret errands' for 'National Security sake'.
The secret traditions of the Corps would be far darker than their benevolent appearance suggests - indeed the traditional will of any Garde to die sword in hand -even if dying in his bed from illness or old age- may have a deeper meaning than a mere ritual gesture.
As is 'private Monte-Cristan knowledge' the word (fact?) that the unwritten Constitution allocates to the Gardes (leading other 'Services') the duty to 'retire' a POPP that would have turned unworthy or senile.
Officially a home defense and police force doubling as firefighters, actually firefighters occasionally doubling as police and customs officers. Also called ‘Carabiniers de Calabre’, since most of their initial core was made of retired mercenaries native of Calabria –the Black Company was a very cosmopolitan bunch.
Only ¼ of them are full-time professionals –mainly retired soldiers, but the Investigateurs (detectives) learned their trade serving five years in the Prefecture de Police of Paris. The complement is made up of volunteers training weekly in exchange of a reduction of taxes, in addition to their intervention as firefighters (paid apart).
Given its role the Corps is largely decentralized: every hamlet has a few volunteers, every village a nucleus of professionals with pumps, leather buckets, &c…: being on oath they can act as rural policemen, forest wardens, game keepers, customs and municipal police officers. A little under half of the Corps is concentrated in the City of Monte-Cristo. A full company of professionals is quartered in the Presipapal Palace –the only one to have officially firefighting as its first duty. This company was recently 'doubled' (10."07 entry), then when it provided volunteers to build the Equipage de Carabiniers Nautes embarked as marines on the antipodial exploration goelette La Petillante (O4."08 entry), new recruits were enlisted to replace them in the Palace.
The uniform is strikingly similar to that of the Arquebusiers de Grassin, but with different colors: medium green coat lined the same and waistcoat, black breeches, black headgear with a green plume, metal: gold (origin: Destination: Calabria).The fur edging the coat varies with rank: black for troops, red fox/ red squirrel for sergeants, white for officers (ermine for the colonel!), dyed bright red for the musicians (white for the Tambour-Major and Tambourinaire-Major, who rank as junior officers). Additionally the coat of the various musicians, instead of green, displays the Monte-Cristan livery: bleu turquois with dark pink facings and abundant ‘Monte-Cristan’ livery lace (dark pink motif on silver). The Tambour-Major and Tambourinaire-Major (acting as band leader) have lapels like the Grassin grenadiers and ‘Grande Livree’ with doubled lace. The mirlitons of the Tambour-Major and company drummers are white instead of black. The Tambourinaires of course wear their traditional white round hat, with a green cockade/ rosette, as do the Cabrettaires playing the local cabretta bagpipe (same number as Tambourinaires, following the Monte-Cristan tradition of paired performing).
The
(detectives, currently under the command of Commissaire Mouafaure-Labitt, uncle of the commander of the Carabiniers-Nautes), while not directly in command of troops, are uniformed like officers of the Corps. Their badge of office, rarely 'on display' when 'en bourgeois' (in civilian clothes) is a very peculiar, oversized gorget. When acting in civilian dress (the -bulletproof- gorget generally worn under the waistcoat, covering the heart), they wear a huge knotted stick with the edges reinforced with steel, a leaded pommel, and which is actually a swordstick, the ‘scabbard’ then doubling as a parrying weapon with a vicious spike! They generally carry it when in uniform, instead of the rifle and bayonet, with two pistols at the waistbelt. As a rule, on duty they also carry bolas, so convenient to stop a fugitive in his track.
When firefighting the Carabiniers wear high black leather boots, a long black leather overcoat and a blackened ‘pot en tête’ helmet similar to the one worn by French sappers-miners earthworking or mining during a siege.
While the Carabiniers sometimes rent fishermen boats (and their crews) for customs patrols, they did not received yet their intended special 'on board' sailor-like uniform (which would have been: large black trousers, green short 'Navy' jacket, tarred felt round hat with a side of the brim up or, on heavy duty, a knitted black beret with a green pompon [tourie], two pistols at the belt; old-fashioned coat, green lined the same, tricorn for sergeants; fashionable justaucorps green lined black, black waistcoat and breeches, tricorn for officers). May be this uniform was not issued because, would one day Monte-Cristo launch a Sky Galleon to Mars (Louys' secret dream, according to some hearsay -but why *Mars*?), it would be that of the Aetheronauts. Update: this uniform was recently given to the Carabiniers Nautes (see above).
As for weaponry, the Carabiniers are often nicknamed ‘Arquebusiers’ in reference to their obsolete musket –an early type of firelock– nonetheless modified to receive a surprisingly modern socket bayonet doubling as a saw with its dagger hilt and serrated back. Like other infantrymen of the time they also have a straight sword. Privates and corporals wear a hatchet on the right side, attached to the cartridge box bandolier. Sergeants instead have a very huge carpenter /woodcutter two-handed ax carried on the back, and to compensate only a light cavalry carbine, modified to receive the Corps’ bayonet. While ‘Carabiniers’ refer to ‘carabine’, i.e. in French a rifled carbine, only junior officers own such, again modified to receive the Corps’ bayonet. Senior officers and Investigateurs instead have a pair of two-shots pistols worn in holsters on either side of the belt buckle, and no bayonet but the same huge hunting dagger as the Guards. All officers of course have a very large ‘forte epee’/ pallack.
It must be noted that the Carabiniers have no 'captains': lower ranks exist, as do higher ones -colonel(s?), adjudant-colonel(s?) as their executive officers, lieutenant-colonels commanding battalions, even -in theory?- a colonel-general; but company commanders are called 'majors' (for lieutenant-major). The same applies to any para-military outfits and militia in the Presipality: there is only one 'Capitaine' in Monte-Cristo, the Prince-President as captain of the Gardes de l'Etrier and heir of the Capitaine of the Compagnie Noire.
The
Made up of unpaid volunteers rehearsing on their free time, it has a strength of 450+ (increased recently to 520+) so that it can always parade in its official strength (including company drummers and fifers) of 397 (The band was recently increased by 6 ranks (early O4."08 entry: +73 men since the kös giant kettledrums player and the 6 carriers take only 6 files) in what, in typically Monte-Cristan convoluted fashion, could be a diplomatic hint as much as a mark of musical taste: hence the new parade total 397): a Tambour-Major, a Tambourinaire-Major and 34 ranks of 12 instrumentalists (the plane trees -var. flatanus Amabit- and horse-chestnut trees doubled-lined Boulevards and Avenues of Monte-Cristo City are more than enough wide for such a formation). The musicians rarely play martial hymns: their repertoire consist mainly of funeral marches –no Monte-Cristan, whatever his or her position, unless sentenced to death, is buried without a delegation of the band playing– and drinking and dancing tunes –musicians can be hired for private feasts such as weddings, and the band plays for free in the open-air theatre every Sunday and official holiday. Unofficially, many members of the band are women, specially in the woodwinds section.
In formal occasions the band parades behind the unit's mascott, a monstruous black billygoat (always called 'Alphonse') in green trappings displaying sibylline mottos and quotations ('Tu me tiens par la barre, Bichette!', 'Enfonce, Alphonse!, 'Vive le tennis en pension!', 'Le Bon Secours, Madame!', 'Laissez l'effet se faire', 'T'habites a combien de Tours?', 'Mes tantes, elargissez le petit cercle de vos relations, 'Tu l'as velu, tu l'as eu!', 'Gaffe avec ta cognee, Rene!', 'Valencia, tu avances quand je recule comment veux-tu que je t'em..brasse', 'Elles habitent des gites infames', 'Chasseur as-tu vu le Trou de Montluc?', 'Arrete ou ma paire va tirer!', 'Non tu ne verras plus les poeles de merlu!', 'La peau de meroud s'tond', '1 fût 2 caisses, la main entre les caisses le doigt dans le trou du fût', 'Le désir s'accroît quand l'effet se recule', 'Trop bon a coulisse', 'T'habites Rabat?', 'L'abbé secoue les nouilles', 'Eh, le vice, presse-les!, 'Meteo et enleve le bas!', 'Les parasites nous brouillent l'ecoute', 'Le congre debout', 'Elise, viens que je te bise - Je prefere qu'on m'appelle Therese', 'La viele a roue pete', 'Je me sens cons cerné', 'Elles mastiquent avec gourmandise', 'Les gladiateurs circculent dans le sang', 'Dominique ta mere!', 'Mamy ecrase les prouts', 'Introduis ton long morceau dans un concours', 'Percez le fut de la Creuse', 'Para, c'est ta molle!', 'T'habites a combien de Tours?, 'Etude: tire la chose au clerc', 'Pousse tes, pousse tes escarres Paulette!', 'Il court, le furet', 'Le vent siffle dans la rue du quai', 'Maitre Autrou de Bale', 'SOS mes deux seins', 'Rose devant, renoncule par derriere', 'Les maçons du coeur, 'Poil a ma zoute!', 'Apres le dessert on circule en couronne', 'Appreciez les masses de perturbateurs', 'Encore eut-il fallu que je le susse'...). The beast is led by two corporal-fouriers (a professional holding the right rein and a volunteer) who for the occasion wear Presipapal livery lace on all sewings of their coat, and substitute the plume of their mirliton with a twig of black pine (with cone) or green oak (with acorn) respectively.
The flag is of the very large infantry type of the time. On the ‘Presipapal’ side (viewed with the pole to the right of the viewer), it is similar to the ‘national’ flag, with the Mermaid slightly larger and moved upward, with a bleu turquois scroll below her, with the motto (in latin): «To Serve and Protect» embroided in gold. On the other side of the flag the plant motifs in the corners are replaced with four bright red with gold veins oblique ‘bursts of flame’ (as on Burgundian shields under Charles the Bold). The scroll is ‘fire’ (changing yellow/red as on the flag of the French Royal artillery), with the «By Sweat and Steel against Fire and Iron» (in latin) motto embroided in blackened pewter. The staff of the standard is painted with the coat’s green, and ends with a golden pike head.
Carabiniers commonly use goat carts to carry their pumps, leather buckets and tools, and to evacuate the wounded. It is sometimes whispered that 'in case of need' such carts would carry ammunition, explosives, Greek Fire, 'amusettes' and coheorn mortars as well (?).
In every hamlet and village
, and subdivision of the City, a Carabinier is also the Crieur who 'barks' public announcements after ringing a bell to call for attention ('You have to buy him a drink to start ringing, and two to stop'). Being off-duty as a Carabinier he wears then his mirliton, a green peasant smocks; his brass badge of office is fixed on the large leather shoulder belt ending with a hook for the bell. In the City, and villages large enough, the Crieurs double as night watchmen - with halberd, lantern, and alarm whistle- who care for public lightning.
Monte-Cristo put itself in quarantine. Refugees –all strangers, actually– attempting to enter the Presipality were mercilessly shot down from a safe distance by the population. Authorities neither endorsed nor interfered. Indeed the unofficial chorus of the national anthem can be translated (in a rather understated tone) :«All that we ask is that one leaves us alone,
leaves us alone!
All that we want is that you leave us alone,
Leave us alone!
Piss off!
Piss off!»
ANNEX: PARAMILITARY ELEMENTS
Within the 'Civilian' Presipapal Household (see comments), two 'Services' are deemed 'armed': indeed their members bear weapons in some circumstances, and are well trained to their use. The Ecuries et Equipages (Stables and Carriages) and Foresterie et Venerie (Forestery and Hunt) could, in case of need, each furnish the equivalent of a company of Dragoons.The Ecuries et Equipages breed the 'black and tan' Adelains horses (see O5."9 comment): their officers ride such, while the tambourinaire and trumpeter(s?) are mounted on very rare 'tan and black' Contradelains.
Since all their members are basically dressed in the Presipapal livery, the trumpeter and hornist wear the livery lace on a 'reversed' coat (i.e. dark pink lined bleu turquois) with shoulder 'wings' British Grenadier fashion. While for the Ecuries the lacing is of 'Household' type, for the Foresteries on the sleeves it appears as chevrons, German infantry fashion, to reflect the 'dragoons-equivalent' status.
The silver fringes of the guidons (and silver spearhead ending the knightly lance-like flag staffs) are assorted to the buttons of the uniform and to the silver lace of the tricorn. On the 'company' side, the 'Flaming Skull' of the Black Company denotes the 'fighters' nature of the service; the 'Presipapal' obverse displays the normal National Colour, but with the Flaming Skull replacing the Thistle. The staffs are painted ventre-de-biche and forester green, respectively.
Note that women can join the two 'Armed Services' as well as any other of the Presipapal Household.
Current commanders: Ecuries et Equipages: Ecuyer Palatin: Chevalier Moiterives de Marrey: during the War of Polish Succession had raised his own Corps Franc (secretly funded by the French Crown) the smelly Maraudeurs de Marrey. Severely wounded more than once at their head, was physically unfit to join the Gardes when he retired home, yet they insisted to enlist him as honorary member.
Foresterie et Venerie: Arquebusier Palatin: Sieur Trouduc de Vertechiasse, nicknamed 'le Gros Colon', retired after a meteoric career in French service, (from aspirant ['L'aspirant habite Javel'] in the Chevau-Legers d'Abeaucon-Levimonte, the 'Bordelaise' -or 'Bordeliere'- company of French Gendarmerie to 'colon ascendant' (lieutenant-colonel earmarked for direct promotion to brigadier) in the thoroughly inquisitive Explorateurs de Lanusse) and a famous hunter. At first had some difficulties with the idea that back home he would have to *care* for the game (while most Monte-Cristans, because of the importance of the Fada Esterella mythos in their culture, feel a deep respect for wild beasts).
_.-.-._
Mediterranean Wall
In a mountainous, inhabited section of the Monte-Cristan shore a
The uninhabited, barren, 'cursed' islet of Montecristo benefits from the same protection. Rumors that the Presipality uses it as a secret, underground jail, taking advantage of the volcanic fumes to cover up any smoke, are firmly denied by the Palace.
_.-.-._
.
REQUIESCENS VIVERE AUT PUGNANS MORI
(To live lazing or to die fighting)
_.-.-._
AN EPIC MARTIAL SONG
DE PROFUNDIS MORPIONIBUS
O! muse prête-moi ta lyre,
Afin qu'en vers je puisse dire
Un des combats les plus fameux,
Qui s'est déroulé sous les cieux.
Chorus:
De profundis morpionibus
Tra, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, Ah! (bis)
Un jour de fête comme Soeur Thérèse,
A Sainte Gudule chantait la messe
Elle sentit soudainement
Un énorme chatouillement.
Cent mille poux de forte taille
Sur son vieux con livraient bataille
A nombre égal de morpions
Portant écus et morions.
Dans un bouzin de tous les diables,
Le choc fut si épouvantable
Que les femmes enceintes en accouchant
Chiaient de la merde au lieu d'enfants.
La bataille fut gigantesque,
Tous les morpions moururent ou presque
A l'exception des plus trapus
Qui s'accrochèrent aux poils du cul.
Et ils bouchent toute la fente,
Que les morpions morts ensanglantent
Et la vallée du cul au con
Etait jonchée de morpions.
Monté sur une paire d'échasses
Un vieux morpion que l'on pourchasse,
Sur une crotte trébucha
Les yeux au ciel il expira.
Puis au plus fort de la bataille,
Soudain frappé par la mitraille
Le maréchal des morpions
Tomba mort à l'entrée du con.
Un morpion de noble origine,
Qui revenait du bout de la pine,
Levant sa lance s'écria:
"Le morpion meurt, mais ne se rend pas !"
Tout à coup un obus arrive
Qui lui fait perdre l’équilibre
Le beau seigneur est bien foutu
Il tombe au fond du trou du cul.
Dressé sur un poil de roupette,
Tenant à la main sa lorgnette,
Le Capitaine des morpions
Examinait les positions.
Soudain, voyant plier son aile,
Il dit à ses troupes fidèles:
"Ah! mes amis! Nous sommes foutus,
Piquons une charge au fond du cul".
Et pour reprendre l'avantage,
Les morpions luttaient avec rage;
Mais leurs efforts furent superflus,
Les poux gardèrent le dessus.
Leur Capitaine, nouvel Enée,
Sortant des rangs de son armée,
A son rival, beau chevalier,
Propose un combat singulier.
C'est un Capitaine plein d'audace
Descendant de l'antique race
Des morpions que Mars donna
A Vénus quand il la baisa.
Transpercé malgré sa cuirasse
De merde de foutre et de crasse,
Le Capitaine Morpion
Tomba sans vie au fond du con.
[Un morpion motocycliste,
Prenant la raie du cul pour piste
{Vint avertir l’état-major
Que le Capitaine était mort.*}]
Pour retirer leur Capitaine,
Tous les morpions firent la chaîne
Pendant huit jours cherchèrent son corps
L'abîme ne rend pas ses morts!
Un soir, au bord de la ravine,
Ruisselant de foutre et d'urine,
On vit un fantôme tout nu
A cheval sur un poil de cul.
C'était l'ombre du Capitaine
Dont la carcasse de vers pleine
Par défaut d'inhumation
Sentait le maroilles et l'arpion.
Devant cette ombre qui murmure,
D'être privée de sépulture,
Tous les morpions font serment
De lui élever un monument.
En vain l'on chercha sa dépouille
Sur la pine et sur les deux couilles:
On ne trouva qu'un bout de queue
Qu'un sabre avait coupé en deux.
La troupe aussitôt prend les armes
L’enterre en versant force larmes
Comme au convoi d'un cardinal
Ou bien d'un garde national.
Et l'on en fit une relique
Que l'on mit dans une basilique
Pour que les futurs bataillons
Sachent comment meurt un morpion.
On lui bâtit un cénotaphe
Où l'on grava cette épitaphe;
"Ci-git un morpion de cœur,
Mort vaillamment au champ d'honneur".
Son cheval même l'accompagne;
Et quatre morpions d'Espagne
La larme à l'oeil, l'écharpe au bras,
Tiennent les quatre coins du drap.
Douze des plus jolies morpionnes
Portèrent en pleurant des couronnes
De fleurs blanches et de poils du cul
Qu'avait tant aimé le vaincu.
Ils le suivirent au cimetière
S’assirent en rond sur leur derrière,
La crotte au cul, la larme à l'oeil,
Tous les morpions étaient en deuil.
Au bord du profond précipice,
On rangea les morpions novices
Ils défilèrent en escadrons
En faisant sonner leurs clairons.
Tandis que la foule en détresse,
Tout en pleurant disait la messe,
L'adversaire de l'onguent gris
Monta tout droit au paradis.
Sur une couille grosse et velue,
On érigea une statue
Au Capitaine des morpions,
Mort bravement au fond d'un con.
Depuis ce jour, on voit dans l'ombre
A la porte d'un caveau sombre,
Quatre morpions de noir vêtus,
Montant la garde au trou du cul.
Depuis ce temps dans la vallée,
On entend des bruits de mêlée,
Les ombres des morpions vaincus
Hantent à jamais les poils du cul.
Et parfois par les soirs de brume,
Quand sur la terre se lève la lune,
On voit les âmes des morpions
Voltiger sur les poils du con.
Recitative:
Libere nos de morpionibus omnibus
Qui condamnant couillones,
Qui devorant et per omnia
Testiculos, testiculorum! Amen!
...
How we were spared the War of Spanish Succession
(popular Monte-Cristan image)
(To live lazing or to die fighting)
_.-.-._
AN EPIC MARTIAL SONG
DE PROFUNDIS MORPIONIBUS
O! muse prête-moi ta lyre,
Afin qu'en vers je puisse dire
Un des combats les plus fameux,
Qui s'est déroulé sous les cieux.
Chorus:
De profundis morpionibus
Tra, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, Ah! (bis)
Un jour de fête comme Soeur Thérèse,
A Sainte Gudule chantait la messe
Elle sentit soudainement
Un énorme chatouillement.
Cent mille poux de forte taille
Sur son vieux con livraient bataille
A nombre égal de morpions
Portant écus et morions.
Dans un bouzin de tous les diables,
Le choc fut si épouvantable
Que les femmes enceintes en accouchant
Chiaient de la merde au lieu d'enfants.
La bataille fut gigantesque,
Tous les morpions moururent ou presque
A l'exception des plus trapus
Qui s'accrochèrent aux poils du cul.
Et ils bouchent toute la fente,
Que les morpions morts ensanglantent
Et la vallée du cul au con
Etait jonchée de morpions.
Monté sur une paire d'échasses
Un vieux morpion que l'on pourchasse,
Sur une crotte trébucha
Les yeux au ciel il expira.
Puis au plus fort de la bataille,
Soudain frappé par la mitraille
Le maréchal des morpions
Tomba mort à l'entrée du con.
Un morpion de noble origine,
Qui revenait du bout de la pine,
Levant sa lance s'écria:
"Le morpion meurt, mais ne se rend pas !"
Tout à coup un obus arrive
Qui lui fait perdre l’équilibre
Le beau seigneur est bien foutu
Il tombe au fond du trou du cul.
Dressé sur un poil de roupette,
Tenant à la main sa lorgnette,
Le Capitaine des morpions
Examinait les positions.
Soudain, voyant plier son aile,
Il dit à ses troupes fidèles:
"Ah! mes amis! Nous sommes foutus,
Piquons une charge au fond du cul".
Et pour reprendre l'avantage,
Les morpions luttaient avec rage;
Mais leurs efforts furent superflus,
Les poux gardèrent le dessus.
Leur Capitaine, nouvel Enée,
Sortant des rangs de son armée,
A son rival, beau chevalier,
Propose un combat singulier.
C'est un Capitaine plein d'audace
Descendant de l'antique race
Des morpions que Mars donna
A Vénus quand il la baisa.
Transpercé malgré sa cuirasse
De merde de foutre et de crasse,
Le Capitaine Morpion
Tomba sans vie au fond du con.
[Un morpion motocycliste,
Prenant la raie du cul pour piste
{Vint avertir l’état-major
Que le Capitaine était mort.*}]
Pour retirer leur Capitaine,
Tous les morpions firent la chaîne
Pendant huit jours cherchèrent son corps
L'abîme ne rend pas ses morts!
Un soir, au bord de la ravine,
Ruisselant de foutre et d'urine,
On vit un fantôme tout nu
A cheval sur un poil de cul.
C'était l'ombre du Capitaine
Dont la carcasse de vers pleine
Par défaut d'inhumation
Sentait le maroilles et l'arpion.
Devant cette ombre qui murmure,
D'être privée de sépulture,
Tous les morpions font serment
De lui élever un monument.
En vain l'on chercha sa dépouille
Sur la pine et sur les deux couilles:
On ne trouva qu'un bout de queue
Qu'un sabre avait coupé en deux.
La troupe aussitôt prend les armes
L’enterre en versant force larmes
Comme au convoi d'un cardinal
Ou bien d'un garde national.
Et l'on en fit une relique
Que l'on mit dans une basilique
Pour que les futurs bataillons
Sachent comment meurt un morpion.
On lui bâtit un cénotaphe
Où l'on grava cette épitaphe;
"Ci-git un morpion de cœur,
Mort vaillamment au champ d'honneur".
Son cheval même l'accompagne;
Et quatre morpions d'Espagne
La larme à l'oeil, l'écharpe au bras,
Tiennent les quatre coins du drap.
Douze des plus jolies morpionnes
Portèrent en pleurant des couronnes
De fleurs blanches et de poils du cul
Qu'avait tant aimé le vaincu.
Ils le suivirent au cimetière
S’assirent en rond sur leur derrière,
La crotte au cul, la larme à l'oeil,
Tous les morpions étaient en deuil.
Au bord du profond précipice,
On rangea les morpions novices
Ils défilèrent en escadrons
En faisant sonner leurs clairons.
Tandis que la foule en détresse,
Tout en pleurant disait la messe,
L'adversaire de l'onguent gris
Monta tout droit au paradis.
Sur une couille grosse et velue,
On érigea une statue
Au Capitaine des morpions,
Mort bravement au fond d'un con.
Depuis ce jour, on voit dans l'ombre
A la porte d'un caveau sombre,
Quatre morpions de noir vêtus,
Montant la garde au trou du cul.
Depuis ce temps dans la vallée,
On entend des bruits de mêlée,
Les ombres des morpions vaincus
Hantent à jamais les poils du cul.
Et parfois par les soirs de brume,
Quand sur la terre se lève la lune,
On voit les âmes des morpions
Voltiger sur les poils du con.
Recitative:
Libere nos de morpionibus omnibus
Qui condamnant couillones,
Qui devorant et per omnia
Testiculos, testiculorum! Amen!
...
In our time line, written by Theophile Gautier (and published anonymously in 1864, since he was applying to join the 'Immortals' of the Academie Française!) as 'The Death, Apparition and Funerals of the Great Captain Body-Crab' on the music of the funeral march for Marshall Gérard.
[The 17th verse is a later addition.
{*}: variant:
Dans un virage dérapa
Et dans la merde s'enlisa.]This interpretation betrays a Russian influence.
{*}: variant:
Dans un virage dérapa
Et dans la merde s'enlisa.]This interpretation betrays a Russian influence.
(popular Monte-Cristan image)
13 comments:
THE NUMERICAL STRENGTH OF THE GARDES DE L’ETRIER
No number has ever been officially published. In a typical Monte-Cristan fashion, the whole Compagnie never appears at once outside the Palace, only detachments.
The only official reference is to «an overstrength cavalry troop», and the single trumpeter is supposed to give credit to that assessment. Yet, the truth is unknown. Some resident foreigners tried to do a counting; Monte-Cristans laugh at the effort, even suggesting that the Gardes often disguise themselves, wear false mustaches and the like, to appear more numerous that they actually are. Any counting is complicated by the existence, seemingly, of undeground passages between the Palace and various buildings in the ‘Villa’ / Villeneuve, so that people in civilian dress can enter and leave the Palace totally unnoticed.
Monte-Cristans do their own counting, but do NOT share their conclusions (there is a very hard shell of xenophobic paranoia just behind the gentle and welcoming surface of the Monte-Cristan society). Their only comment is that, given its recruitment, the strength of the Compagnis has to be variable, but that, numerous Monte-Cristans having came home after a short but brilliant military career at the end of the First Silesian War, it is probably now ‘slightly overstrength’, for what it may represent.
According to reliable sources, the «overstrength cavalry troop» would currently be above the 240 mark.
The same uncertainty reigns about the strength of the ‘Compagnie’ of professional Carabiniers attached to the Palace (no Monte-Cristan believes they are *only* firemen). The same sources suggest that, after their recent trebling, they are some 450 strong.
With the ‘Armed’ branches of the ‘Civilian’ Household, this gives more than 800 professionals (without artillery but, it is said, a *lot* of Amusettes and grenade-throwing blunderblusses) to guard the Palace and ‘Villa’, and to crush any mob of rioting strangers –no othersource of unrest being likely in Monte-Cristo.
THE GENERAL LEVY OF THE MONTE-CRISTAN POPULATION
How tired of the war and peace-inclined they were after the Wars of Religion, Monte-Cristans (both the initial population and the newly settled ex-mercenaries) were perfectly aware that their reconstructing Country was dangerously making some people envious, and could be tempting for the rogue soldiery and various brigand bands still roaming the neighboring. Hence, while it was never written down, their officious but very strong tradition of ‘generalized self-defense ability’.
As for overt invasion by a major Country, the whole Monte-Cristan diplomacy aimed at gain the tacit ‘protection’ of several Powers –preferably at odds, so that the Presipality would not be tied to a given side. This policy reached its peak under the current POPP: now that in any Country numerous People of Influence and Power have numered accounts in the Presipapal Bank, no major Nation would tolerate a threat against Monte-Cristo. The ‘self-defense’ was never intended to repel an invasion in force, anyway. In such desperate case, a rear guard would ‘scortch earth’ and possibly cover a general evacuation by sea to friendly Kamarg. The Palace is said to still have contingency plans actualized for such a sea lift: ?
As for a raid by rogue soldiers, brigands or Barbary Coast pirates, the situation now is totally different from the late 16th C. Yet Monte-Cristan prefer to see such event to be possible, if unlikely: there is no other justification to keep alive their proud tradition of ‘citizenship in arms’!
Indeed the one and only official obligation is the ‘Saracen Watch’ along the shore, and civilian Monte-Cristans on duty are supposed to watch, not to fight –so no weapon training is organized: the whole ‘citizenship in arms’ system is traditional but totally unofficial, and lays ar family level.
The ‘Saracen Watch’ is to be done ‘in arms’, thus each family own a military-pattern firelock musket, complete with bayonet, ammo box, powder horn, tools &c… Often of rather obsolete pattern, but well-kept and regularly shot in training, as a matter of personal and family pride. Since the weapon is a private purchase, bore is not standardized and each family is able to cast its bullets.
Hunting is strictly restricted, but ‘beret hunting’ is very popular, so every family owns several hunting guns –generally of the long-barreled ‘buccaneer’ type, able to stop dead a charging bull, but those familiar with the most rocky / hilly parts of the peninsula prefer the short, handy, ‘escopeta’. Sharpshooters (or pretending to be such) have rifles.
A few collectors have multi-barrelled pistols or muskets of Navy pattern.
With a complement of family shotguns and blunderbusses, it can be ruled that any Monte-Cristan above the age of 12, female or male, owns at least one shoulder weapon (generally more) with at least a basic famliarity with its use (again, generally more).
Among the full-time Carabiniers, in each post in a village or a parish of the City, at least one is an expert artificier able to set land mines. It is rumoured that each post, besides the pumps, leather baskets and tools for firefighting, also cancels an ‘amusette’ of the oversized musket type, or an older, but still efficient, ‘mousquet de rampart’ or ‘arquebuse de galere’, substituted in the most woody areas with an ‘espingole’, that ovesized blunderbuss (normally swivel-mounted) so characteristic of the mediterranean navies.
As for ‘cold steel’, only the military pattern muskets have bayonets. Heirs of settled mercenaries keep the left-hand dagger and sword of their ancestor. Monte-Cristan returning from mercenary service generally bring back their sword or sabre, and often a trophy –cuirassier-type ‘forte epee’ and Highlander broadsword being specially prised. Then, not all are competent with the use of such heirdom.
Now, most Monte-Cristan males own a long hunting dagger, and a popular game among young boys is ‘Les 2 battes’, a mocked combat with a long, heavy staff in one hand and a light cane in the other. One of the tricks is to swap weapons between hands fast enough to surprise the opponent; an excellent training to real fighting with a dagger and an unloaded shoulder weapon.
Monte-Cristan girls are told from a rather young age, ‘for their own safety’, how to turn a scythe blade into a kind of machete –and then to use it with good effect. You find scythe blades in every Monte-Cristan house, even where there is obviously nothing to mow.
Those unsure of their skill with a blade compensate with a brace of pistols.
Of course the Monte-Cristan levy would be unable to face a bayonet charge, but neither is it intended to do. Invaders would soon be surrounded by clouds of almost invisible skirmishers. The rare flat areas in the countryside being densely cultivated, close-order regulars would be practically restricted to tracks and roads, channelled into sniping fire and funnelled toward land mines and ‘fougasses’. Irregulars would enjoy more mobility, but would not be the kind, under harassing fire in an unknown country, to wisely scatter, rather they would tend to aggregate. Then, the aggressors would never be allowed to feel totally surrounded: to avoid desperate reactions such as a massive suicidal charge, they would always have a way out of their current predicament.
How effective this ‘self-defense’ would be? Torn between their national pride and their paranoid pulsion to appear peaceful and inoffensive, Monte-Cristans avoid to answer. Since the whole system is unofficial, there is no collective training, no exercises. Yet when the whole population of a village is mobilised, e.g. against a summer fire –a constant hazardof the region– the process runs smoothly and efficiently. It must be remembered that, in the extremely unlikely occurrence of a raid by pirates or marauders, the Monte-Cristan ‘uprising’ would merely have to *buy time*: forces, both land and sea, from Toulon and Vintemigglia would be despatched in a matter of hours, a day at most. And the general levy is certainly able to buy time enough.
MONTE-CRISTAN WOMEN AND MILITARY SERVICE
Officially the only military duty imposed on the Monte-Cristan population is the millenium-old ‘Saracen Watch’: each ‘fire’ contributes a watcher, by turn. That this service is expected to be done only by men is nowhere written, but implied by the fact that a ‘fire’ without male of suitable age can ask to be dispensed with the duty. Yet, generally, by family pride one or several women of the household do the family share of ‘watch’.
Women are recruited in the ‘armed’ branches of the Presipapal ‘Civilian’ Household: ‘Ecuries et Transports’ and ‘Foresterie et Venerie'. The prerequisite of military (or police, for some Investigateurs) foreign service precludes the recruitment of women in the Gardes and full-time Carabiniers. As for the volunteer part-time Carabiniers, officially the Corps is open only to men. Yet Monte-Cristans take for certain the existence of two types of exceptions :
-Among the volunteer part-time Carabiniers, there would be a few ‘bandwomen’. When there is no male to keep the family tradition of playing in the Band, a woman can take the place. Bandwomen dress as men in parades and public performances and go unnnoticed. They are say to be specially numerous in the woodwind part of the band. Inded Monte-Cristan girls are famous for their natural skill with the one-hole pipe (also known as ‘slobbery flute’ and ‘mustached clarinet’).
-Among the detectives of the full-time Carabiniers, Monte-Cristan are sure there are a few ‘Investigatrices’. Never appearing in uniform, nor publicly displaying any official badge. Given the Monte-Cristan practice in other Services, the idea is not unlikely –though it may be a confusion with the female‘Operatives’ of the BSN, or even with the Presipapal Wives of the SPIDER Agency.
PARTLY PAID SEMI- PERMANENT VOLUNTEERS
In case of close and lasting threat to Monte-Cristo –a Franco-Savoyard campaign close to the Mediterranean shore on this side of the Alps, Spanish forces travelling along the coast to pass into Italy through Vintimiglia… a few thousands of volunteers would be enlisted, receive an uniform, more intensive training and a proportion of them, by turns, would be kept barracked in «immediate response» capacity.
Monte-Cristans are extremely reluctant to talk about what is, for them, a matter of ‘national security’. Two points are more or less ascertained :
-Many (?) potential ‘volunteers’, specially ‘cadres’, are permanently on record as ‘reservists’ of the Carabiniers, and possibly undergo a discrete training. They would be different from the ‘active’ Carabiniers –professionals or part-time– in order not to weaken the Corps in time of need. In case of mobilization some would replace in their outfits those ‘active’ Carabiniers provisionally transferred to the new units. Note that, theoretically, women could not volunteer (?¿?).
-The Volunteers would be organized in cohorts, of 3 different types according to their recruiting:
° Cohortes Navales recruited among sailors and fishermen: armement and uniform similar to the (planned) ‘on board’ ones of the Carabiniers (including the ‘sabre d’abordage’), but the short waist under the sailor jacket would be of ‘local’ rather than ‘± Britton’ type, very dark blue-indigoat least from corporals up, and assorted breeches worn with stocks instead of wide trousers; metal = silver.
° Cohortes Urbaines recruited in Monte-Cristo-the-City and the small towns / larger villages of the Presipality. Simple military (great)coat same green as the Carabiniers’ lined ‘skin’ (legs here), black (at least from corporals up, very dark grey otherwise) waistcoat, ‘skin color’ breeches, white gaiters, military tricorn with white lace, metal = silver. Cartridge pouch worn at the waistbelt on the side, infantry sword, musket, bayonet.
°Cohortes Rurales recruited in the countryside: simple ‘capot’ (or peasant ‘smock’) same green as the Carabiniers’ for troops worn over very dark grey or dark brown personnal clothes, black from corporal up; ‘military’ coat & waistcoat, green lined extremely dark green from sergeants up; deerskin gaiters (black French dragoon ‘bottines’ for officers); black ‘local’ soft / floppy cap / bonnet for troops, military tricorn with white lace from corporals up, metal = silver. Volunteers could provide their own favorite shoulder weapon, complemented with an ax, machete or old-fashioned great sword if deprived of bayonet; hanger often substituted to sword. Wide ‘navel’ belly cartridge box of government issue.
MUSIC AND POLITICS?
The Presipapal Palace just issued a proclamation calling for new volunteer musicians for the Band of the Carabiniers. Such announcement could not pass unnoticed: 100+ new instrumentists will be enlisted.
As usual, more are put on the rolls than will appear at a given moment, so that despite illness, unavailabilities and absences the Band would always perform and parade at full official strength.
The new increment adds 6 ranks to the traditional parade formation of the Band. Ranks are of 12 instrumentists but here the pair of oversized kös kettledrums, their 6 bearers and the drummer will take only the frontage of 6 files: so the band is increased with 73 men, and his new parade strenght is thus of 327.
Observers wonder if the cooccurrence of this annoucement with the recent Ottoman spurt of diplomatic aggressiveness is merely coincidental. Indeed all new instruments are typical components of the Osmanli Mehter Takımı: zumas woodwinds; borus trumpets; kurrenays horns; davuls, nakkares and kös drums, çevgans, zils. At departure from the Turkish tradition the various types of instruments are not in equal number, the Band alternating ranks of winds and percussions.
Given the perfectly peaceful and neutral (*) nature of Monte-Cristan politics, all observers agree that the secondary role of the bandmen is irrelevant to the present discussion. (Indeed they are trained to act as stretcher-bearers, medical orderelies, first-aid helpers and paramedics, complementing in case of need the Holy Sisters of St-Jezebel.)
An old joke here is that the Band plays so loudly that, sung words being inaudible, nobody bothers to learn the lyrics of the national anthem. The addition of an Oriental combination of shrills and thunderous beats will not improve the situation.
- - - - - -
*: perfectly peaceful and neutral Monte-Cristo:
- peaceful: compulsory for a country so tiny that one would need one of Antony van Leeuwenhoek’s microscopes to discover it on a map, had the cartographer bothered to figure it – what none ever did.
- neutral: Monte-Cristo does every effort to appear as the epitome of neutrality, as is fitting for a place counting for its safety on its repute as the ideal locale for secret meetings between potential or actual belligerents, and the safest place in the world for secret bank deposits.
Of course, the Monte-Cristan ‘Realpolitik’ is far more complex and contrasted…
.
« A SWAN » ⇔ «AN ALARC’H»
[ Monte-Cristo is far from Brittany, and to-day almost nobody here understands Britton. Yet Monte-Cristans made theirs a crude transalation of this song when hearing that Richelieu endvisaged to invade their country. In the end, after the costly siege of La Rochelle, King Louis XIII wisely decided that, beung neither French nor Protestant, those ‘wild’ Monte-Cristans were not worth the effort. A local tradition tells that D’Artagan and a handful of Musketeers had been sent by the King to scout incognito. and that they were so charmed by the country, its inhabitants and its way of life that they made deceitful reports of a bleak, grim wretched statelet populated by savages with all known diseases and some. Besides, as veteran soldiers with a personal experience of ‘unconventional operations’, they may have fully appreciated the Monte-Cristan potential for endless desultory guerilla.]
A swan, a swan from overseas, (bis)
perched upon the old tower of Castle Arvor!
Dinn, dinn, daon ! To battle! To battle! Oh!
Dinn! dinn! daon! I march to battle!
Happy news for the Brittons!
And crimsom curse on the Frenchs!
Dinn, dinn, daon ! To battle! To battle! Oh!
Dinn! dinn! daon! I march to battle!
A ship entered the gulf,
white sails unfolded:
Our Duke John is back,
coming to defend his country,
Us to defend against the Frenchs,
who encroach on Brittany.
A joy cry rises, shaking the shore
the mountains of Laz resound;
the white mare neighs, and leaps of joy;
The bells sing joyfully, in all the cities, within hundred miles.
The summer returns, the sun shines;
Our Duke John is back!
Our Duke John is a good companion
with sharp foot and eye.
He sucked the milk of a Britton,
a milk healthier than old wine.
His lance, when he shakes it, throws
such flashes, that it dazzles all glances;
his sword in his hand it gives such blows,
that it splits in two man and horse.
Always strike! Hold good! Lord Duke! Courage!
Wash them in their blood! Wash them!
When one chops like you with axes,
one has no other suzerain than God!
Let’s hold good Brittons! Let’s hold good!
Neither mercy, nor truce! blood for blood!
O Our injuried Brittany! Serve your country!
We will found a service, a commemorative service!
The hay is ripe: who will mow?
The wheat is ripe: who will harvest?
The hay, the wheat, who will carry them?
The King claims that it will be him,
he will come to mow in Brittany,
with a money scythe,
He will come to mow our meadows with a money scythe
and to harvest our fields with a gold sickle.
Would they like to learn those Frenchs,
that we Brittons are not armless?
Would he like to learn, the Lord King,
if he is man or God?
The wolves of Low-Brittany squeak
with their teeth, hearing the calls to war;
hearing the merry cries, they howl:
to the smell of the enemy, they howl of joy.
One will see soon, in the tracks, blood to run like water;
so that the feathers of ducks and white geese, will become the red of the ember.
One will see more shards of lances scattered
than branches on the ground, after a hurricane;
and more skulls than in all
the ossuaries of the country.
Where the Frenchs will fall, they will remain
lying until the day of the judgement.
Until the day when they will be judged
and punished with the Traitor who led them.
The dew from the trees will be holy water
that will sprinkle his grave!
Dinn, dinn, daon ! To battle! To battle! Oh!
Dinn! dinn! daon! I march to battle!
Dinn, dinn, daon ! To battle! To battle! Oh!
Dinn! dinn! daon! I march to battle!
. . . . . .
An alarc'h, an alarc'h tra mor (bis)
War lein tour moal kastell Arvor
Dinn, dinn, daoñ, d'an emgann, d'an emgann, o!
Dinn, dinn, daoñ, d'an emgann ez an!
Neventi vad d'ar Vretoned
Ha mallozh ruz d'ar C'hallaoued
Dinn, dinn, daoñ, d'an emgann, d'an emgann, o!
Dinn, dinn, daoñ, d'an emgann ez an!
Erru ul lestr e pleg ar mor
E ouelioù gwenn gantañ digor
Degoue'et an Aotrou Yann en-dro
Digoue'et eo da ziwall e vro
D'hon diwall diouzh ar C'hallaoued
A vac'hom war ar Vretoned
Ken e laosker ur youc'hadenn
A ra d'an aod ur grenadenn
Ken e son ar menezioù Laz
Ha froen, ha trid ar gazeg c'hlas
Ken e kan laouen ar c'hleier
Kant lev tro-war-dro, e pep kêr
Deut eo an heol, deut eo an hañv
Deut eo en-dro an Aotrou Yann
An Aotrou Yann a zo paotr mat
Ken prim e droad hag e lagad
Laezh ur Vreizhadez a sunos
Ul laezh ken yac'h evel gwin kozh
Luc'h a daol e c'hoaf p'hen horell,
Ken e vrumenn an neb a sell
Pa c'hoari kreñv, ken kreñv e tarc'h
Ken e taouhanter den ha marc'h
Darc'h atav, dalc'h mat, aotrou dug,
Dav warnehe! ai-ta! bug-ho! bug!
Neb a drouc'h 'vel a douc'hez-te
N'en deus aotrou nemet Doue!
Dalc'homp, Bretoned, dalc'homp mat !
Arsav na truez ! gwad oc'h gwad !
Itron Varia Breizh, skoaz da vro!
Fest erbedenner, fest a vo!
Dare' ar foenn; piv a falc'ho?
Dare' an ed; piv a vedo?
Ar foenn, an ed, piv o fako?
Ar roue gav' gantañ 'raio
Dont a ray a-benn ur gaouad
Gant ur falc'h arc'hant da falc'hat
Gant ur falc'h arc'hant er bro-ni,
Ha gant ur falz aour da vediñ
Mar plije gant ar C'hallaoued
Daoust hag int mank ar Vretoned?
Mar plije gant 'n Aotrou roue
Daoust hag-eñ eo den pe Zoue?
Skrignañ 'ra bleizi Breizh-Izel
O klevet embann ar brezel
O klevet ar youc'h, e yudont
Gant c'hwezh ar C'hallaoued e reont
En heñchoù, e-berr a welour
O redek ar gwad evel dour
Ken yey ruz-glaou brusk an houidi
Hag ar wazi gwenn o neuiñ
Muioc'h a dammoù goaf, e sklent,
Eget skoultroù goude barr-went;
Ha muioc'h a bennoù-marv,
Eget e karnelioù ar vro
Paotred Bro-C'hall 'lec'h ma kouezhint
Betek deiz ar varn e c'hourve'int
Betek deiz ar varn hag ar fust,
Gant an Trubard a ren ar rustl
An diveradur eus ar gwez
'Ray dour benniget war e vez !
Dinn, dinn, daoñ, d'an emgann, d'an emgann, o!
Dinn, dinn, daoñ, d'an emgann ez an!
Dinn, dinn, daoñ, d'an emgann, d'an emgann, o!
Dinn, dinn, daoñ, d'an emgann ez an!
_ _ _ _
‘Our Lord Duke John’ (‘an aotrou Yann’) refers to Jean IV de Montfort coming back triumphally from exile in 1379 to fight the French occupation of Brittany. His banner bore a swan, hence the two first lines.
‘The white mare’ = the sea.
.
IS THERE A REAL THREAT HANGING OVER MONTE-CRISTO?
The neutrality, security and liberty are officiously but efficiently guaranteed by all major Powers – for several reasons, among them the numbered accounts in the Banque Presipapale owned by Persons of Influence in all Highest Circles of Europe –even in the Vatican.
If any aggression by a REGULAR ARMY OR NAVY is thus prevented, is Monte-Cristo totally safe?
An old-standing threat (and the only one officially endvisaged) comes from the PIRATES OF THE BARBARIAN COAST -the Saracen Watch was instituted because of them- but an important raid is totally unlikely, even with the Dey of Bizercca’s current urge of aggressiveness. Not only their raids are officially aimed at the Imperial shores on the Adriatic; not only does the Presipality enjoy a (covert) privilegied relationship with the Sublime Porte -not a total insurance against what is basically a bunch of uncontrolled freelancers; but mainly the xebecks would not stay anchored more than a few hours so close to Toulon and Marseilles, the bases of the Flotte du Levant. Thus the raids would be quite limited, of a scale the Guet Sarrasin and the general call to arms by the tocsin (alarm bells) are perfectly able to face and handle. How afflicting the few losses of lives would be, the Barbaresques pose no threat to the very existence of the Presipality.
But Monte-Cristo has FAR MORE POWERFUL AND DANGEROUS ENEMIES. The aggressively secular nature of the State, the general free thinking, the total democracy, the libertarian attitude, the trend to collectivism… are resented by many as horrendeously pernicious exemples, to be eradicated before such abominations start to spread. Thus, to save immortal souls (for a few) and the privileges of the upper classes (for most), many want Monte-Cristo to disappear. Given the impossibility to send regular troops, the would be tempted to trigger a seemingly ‘SPONTANEOUS’ «CRUSADE» (the casual nudity of the youth would be a convenient excuse) -and some of them are powerful enough to delay the intervention of the armies and navies of France and Savoy against their bloodthirsty crowds maddened by religious fanaticism. Such ‘mob actions’ can easily be disowned afterwards, even repressed in the most bloody manner to mislead suspicions and definitively close dangerous mouths.
The threat is real, but the Presipapal Palace expects, would it materialize, Monte-Cristo to have the upper hand.
First there would be warnings: a few bright minds can keep sush a plan secret; but they would have to recruit fanatical priests and monks to stir simple-minded crowds to some holy frenzy. Once numerous enough to become a danger, for sure some will not be able to keep their mouth shut: impassionated zealots tend to be talkative. Monte-Cristo is known (generally in a deformed way) from the Rhone delta to the Piedmont Alps: there the Presipality has scattered but faithful friends. The enlightened upper classes, even if not wholly Voltairian, appreciate its suppression of tyranny and theocracy; some members of the middle classes benefit from its commerce; the lower classes dream of its freedom, justice and equality; smugglers and thieves know where to find reliable receivers. For some reason the Gypsies are devoted to the Presipality and provide an extremely efficient network of spies and messengers. Further away, many Investigateurs learned their trade at the Prefecture de Police and kept friendly contacts there. Thus Monte-Cristo would have time to prepare its defense, to alert its friends –from the commander of the Regiment des Galeres at Marseilles to the mysteriousSecret du Roy in Versailles. «Agents» will remind People of Power everywhere of the importance of a quiet and free Presipality –by all means, from gentle suggestion to blackmail. Probably they will enquire and try to behead the plot by a few well-aimed assassinations (this may have already happened recently –no-one involved wants such events to become common knowledge).
Then the approach of the ‘Crusaders’ could not pass unnoticed. The only chance of surprise would come from a massive landing from few large ships having sailed from a distant harbour. But this would betray a level of organization incompatible with the image of an uncontrolled mob. Besides, the waters around Monte-Cristo are extremely dangerous for anyone not thoroughly familiar with them, because of uncharted reefs, most just submerged –any ship larger than a small fisherman boat needs a pilot to enter or leave le Vieux-Port (Monte-Cristo-the-Harbour). It is even said (but so many wild rumours abund concerning the Presipality) that for more than a century and a half Monte-Cristans are adding artificial submerged obstacle all around the peninsula. Anyway the Palace sees a rash attemp of landing as a recipe for disaster.
This leaves the land road: ‘Powerful Personages’ associated to the scheme may insure that the local authorities allow free trespassing to the ‘angry pilgrims’, but a mob would not travel fast. Monte-Cristans would have plenty of time to mobilize, check their mines and trapped bridges and to muliply booby traps.
Even supported by shooters in a few boats, the progession of the invaders along the levee from the main land would be extremely slow and costly. And once on the peninsula they would have to face the whole population, determined, trained, well armed and fighting on its own ground. In the meantime the Gardians from Kamarg would be harassing the aggressors and deny them any supply, reinforcement or retreat –a mob on foot is hopeless against such swift horsemen. As high placed as they may be, those secretly supporting the invasion would not be able to delay for long the arrival of troops and ships from France and probably Savoy. The Presipality may suffer, but in short time it would be over, and few if any of the invaders would survive -though some of those reported ‘missing in action’, specially among the leaders, would have been, for their intense suffering, taken alive to be submitted to the question. No one, however close to a throne or even seated on it –even that of St Peter- would be safe from Monte-Cristan retaliation.
How could such an attempt be translated on a wargame table-top?
For the ‘crusaders’, one could endvisage a mixture of several types :
-° Napoleonic Spanish guerillas in short breeches and caps are ‘generic’ enough for mid-18°C peoples from the Western European shores of the Mediterranean (from Italy to Spain).
Contemporary paintings –of the siege of Zaragoza, e.g.- show numerous fighting monks. Even if such are not commercially available in 28mm, minis of monks are not rare, not only in many ‘historical’ ranges from the Middles ages on, but also in sveral fantasy ranges: these last often in a very ‘active’ pose. Most would be converted, receiving a musket or, for some, brandishing a Roman Catholic banner / vexillum of the type floating above processions and bands of pilgrims.
-° Pirates as ‘armed sailors’- such can be recruited around Monte-Cristo.
-° Armed civilians in tricorn (FIW colonists, AWI militia…) would represent zealots from the cities or in-land, and would ‘date’ the mob with their hats.
To fully obtain the ‘rioting crowd’ look, better to have the various types mixed in large ‘bands’, each with a ‘command group’ of monks.
Some in each ‘unit’ would be converted to brandish a torch –even in full daylight. This would carry the image of crazed ‘righteous’ believers coming to burn everybody at the stake, to burn down the ‘Cradle of Filth’ &c… Would remind the peasant marching to burn down Frankeinstein’s manor, of vampire hunters…
-° As leaders, minis of priests are quite rare –Conquest minis Jesuits, with a change of hat, may be useful. Otherwise, any well-dressed civilian in tricorn, if painted clothed all in black with an appropriate collar, can provide a preacher / abbot in ‘semi-secular’ dress. Aberrant Games ‘cardinal’ could be the C-in-C –already in sacerdotal clothes (ready to cast ans exorcism?)
For the Monte-Cristan defenders, given the relative numbers, the Carabiniers (Grassins) would be well under 10% -better to have them scattered as ‘cadre’ of the general levy warbands.
-° Male fighters would be of the same three types as the invaders, but with ‘tricorned militia’ dominating –Monte-Cristans are mostly peasants, but litterate and educated. Now, given a tricorn or cap, some late Renaissance ‘scantily clad Portuguese sailors in the New World’ could be added – Monte-Cristans are often scantily clad.
But the main difficulty would come from the fact that at least 2/5 of the volunteers would be women -and only a minority would be dressed as ‘piratesses’: most would be housewives, shepherresses, the girl next door… Such characters appear rarely ‘armed’ as minis (FIW colonists …), and minis that could pass for ‘unarmed’ commoner 18th C. women are very few, generally in an attitude unfavourable to a conversion to militiawoman, guerillera, escopetera or musket-maiden… Then, given the traditional (lack of) clothes of young Monte-Cristans, some ShadowForge Tribals could be conveted by giving them a bayoneted musket. Yet the traditional ‘secondary weapon’ of the Monte-Cristan Fair Sex (a scythe blade turned into a kind of machete) would have to be scratchbuilt in quantities!
Then It’s doubtful this setting would provide a pleasant campaign. Basically in WRG 1685-1835 wordage, it would be ‘Fanatic Irregular Charging Infantry, Matchlock’ (‘matchlock’ to translate the fact that most are abysmal shots- some may even have only carbines; from WRG AncMed 6th ed. one can ‘import’ the idea of ½ Fanatics / ½ Levy warbands?) versus ‘Soldier Irregular Skirmishing Light Infantry, musket’ (‘B’ class to reflect their determination, the shoulder weapon to reflect they have good weapons and know how to use them; a few may have rifles and jezzails, to reflect a [low] proportion of true marksmen). To translate their peculiar traditions, Monte-Cristans may have access to devices normally restricted to Ancient-Medieval / colonial warfare: abatis, concealed pits, caltrops, fire arrows to start bush fires, brittles jars holding maddened hornets, scorpions, adders, hand-hurled gas bombs & unslaked lime, sling-thrown grenades, mines, anti-personal mines (Medieval Chineses knew them), one-shot Greek fire throwers remote controlled or triggered by a trap wire, booby-trapped bridges…
Such a pair of opponents may appear in a few ‘ambush’ / ‘delaying action’ / ‘night raid on the camp’ scenarios, but would probably soon cease to be interesting?
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Other ‘armed civilians’ in tricorns appear as hunters and smugglers. Other useful types are available in the French Revolution ‘mob’ ranges, if in cap or ‘Britton’ (*not* flat-topped ‘postilion’) rounded hat, and if in breeches, not trousers.
Specially for the ‘crusaders’, while to look fully ‘wild’ and ‘irregular’ all ‘warbands’ contain all the fighting types, each is better to have its majority type, to reflect its peculiar area / socio-professional class of main recruitment.
For the Monte-Cristan levy, probably better to keep the few Carabiniers as crews of manhandled ‘amusettes’.
Battlegames would soon be repetitive, between a ‘close combat’ force and a ‘shooters’ one! Specially if we translate the crusaders’ warband composition « 1⁄2 Fanatics [1st rk] / 1⁄2 Levy [rear rk] » as ‘React and fight in frontal hand-to-hand combat as the majority of the front rank’, the invaders would have to come to contact as soon as possible, while the Monte-Cristans have to inflict a warband at least 25% shooting casualties before letting it come close…
And anyway such a battle would not be ‘historically accurate’ since, except perhaps during the first hours of an invasion, the Monte-Cristan levy would outnumber the ‘Crusade’….
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POSSIBLE ADDITIONAL FLAGS- the Carabiniers-Nautes embarked aboard La Petillante (O4. "08 post) received a flag, so that they can display and honour the Monte-Cristan colours everywhere they may go.
The flag is smaller than the Corps des Carabiniers’s one (some 8 – 10 inches less in both dimensions, with the flagpole shortened accordingly). The ‘State’ side (seen with pole to the right) shows the basic Monte-Cristan standard. The "outfit’s" side differs by the four corner devices (charges): on the upper corner close to the flagpole (thus seen to the left of the viewer), the Flaming Skull –probably because the expedition, and thus the creation of the Carabiniers-Nautes, came from Louys’ personnal interest / curiosity rather than as a matter of state policy; in the 3 other corners a bleu turquois anchor (thinly outlined with dark indigo) of the ‘thin’ ‘French’ type, set diagonally and pointing centerwards.
No inscriptions at all, the flag being more intended as a ‘national’ one.
Flagpole painted dark indigo.
- the Cohortes de Milice (partly paid semi-permanent volunteers, commented upon on march "8 above): if they indeed do exist (?), according to Monte-Cristan traditions and practice their flags would look like this: on the ‘State’ size (viewed with the pole to the right) the Mermaid is moved upward, to leave room below her for (on two lines) ‘Volontaires Territoriaux / yeme Cohorte (Navale / Urbaine / Rurale)’; on the ‘Cohort’s’ side the Mermaid remains centered but is smaller, with ‘Milice’ written above and (‘Navale’ / ‘Urbaine’ / Rurale’) below, in black; the crown of the left upper corner (close to the pole) is moved to replace the thistle in the upper right corner: in its place, a gold (oversized): anchor (of the ‘thick’ British type) (thinly outlined in dark indigo) for the Cohortes Navale(s?), castle (thinly outlined in burgundy) for the Urbaine(?)s or grape and wine leaf (thinly outlined in dark green) for the Rurales, with the number of the cohort superimposed in black. That the texts are in French and directly on the white field, not appearing on a scroll, underlines the difference with the ‘regular’ units. Black flagpole.
- as for the Levee en Masse (General Levy) {commented upon on dec. 31 "7 & ‘visualized’ on nov. "8 – jan. "9 above –note that, the rule for women to cover their hair being of religious (Abrahamanic) origin, many go bareheaded and the coiff so general in popular classes elsewhere is extremely rare }: it would be ‘organized’ (¿!?) by secular equivalents of parishes (Quartiers in the City, Communes in the countryside) and, if need of flags as rallying points, would use the standards of these territorial communities. Such banners are of archaic types, with the ‘arms’ filling the whole flag but generally overwritten with the name and/or motto of the community, and the deep pink Mermaid on white (shown on a shield, a scroll or inserted in a medallion) in the upper corner close to the flagpole as some kind of excentred inescutcheon.
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Some pieces of dress don’t fit for the mid-18th C. (specially the flat-topped ‘postillon’ hats), and I’d see vexillum-like church banners rather than ‘secular’ flags, but this Grande Armee Catholique may give an idea of a ‘spontaneous Crusade’ attempting to invade Monte-Cristo (and I really *like* the song -of course it would be the Monte-Cristans that would wage a guerilla war against the invaders).
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ANOTHER MONTE-CRISTAN 'RESISTANCE' SONG
(This one in Italian: all Monte-Cristans are fluent in French -their official tongue- as well as the literary language of Provence and Genovese Italian. There is no 'Monte-Cristan' tongue proper, but they do have their 'secret pidgin' adding to the three languages above vocabulary from popular Marseillais, Nissart (the colloquial speaking of Nice), traditional Lyonnais, Northern Corsican, Marols Flemish and (Algerian) Arabic: an extremely rich and totally protean tongue, every word with a handful of synonyms. Children enjoy to learn and use it 'juggling and giggling' with words: the rule is to alternate words with as different origins as possible, the closer the words in the sentence the more distant their origin. 'Jokers' -called desculpas- can be thrown in, such as 'Germanic' 'en' or 'Hebraic' 'him' plural, 'Occitan' conjugation, 'rebuilding' of a word along the lines of Verlan ("l'envers" -> "verlan") or Louchebem ("boucher" -> "louchebem") -within the strictly codified limits of 'fair play': no more than one desculpa in a given clause, a given type of desculpa cannot be used more than once in a lenghty sentence or two successive shorter ones. This 'juggling and giggling with words' is deemed an excellent exercice of memory, intellectual training and verbal expression. Adults use it for the fun of it, and everytime they want to speak freely within hearing distance of foreigners: spoken fast and heavily accented, this everchanging Patois is perfectly unintelligible by anyone not intimely familiar with it from early childhood.)
One morning I awoke
O bella ciao, o bella ciao, o bella ciao ciao ciao
One morning I awoke
The invader was here.
O partisan take me with you
O bella ciao, o bella ciao, o bella ciao ciao ciao
O partisan take me with you
I know I will die.
If I die as a partisan
O bella ciao, o bella ciao, o bella ciao ciao ciao
If I die as a partisan
You'll have to bury me.
You'll bury me up in the mountain
O bella ciao, o bella ciao, o bella ciao ciao ciao
You'll bury me up in the mountain
with a beautiful flower to shadow my grave.
Those passing by
O bella ciao, o bella ciao, o bella ciao ciao ciao
Those passing by
Willl say 'What a beautiful flower'.
It's the flower of the partisan
O bella ciao, o bella ciao, o bella ciao ciao ciao
It's the flower of the partisan
Who died for Liberty.
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A BRITTON 'RESISTANCE' SONG
Adopted at the same time as An Arlac'h (O4."08 comment above); only the chorus, originally packed of specific references to Brittany, was re-written.
Each 4-lines verse is repeated twice: the first, at the end of the song; all other ones, repeated on a slightly different melody after the chorus.
(Chorus:
The mermaid howls and screams
we run with the wolves,
the mermaid howls and screams
the green oaks will turn to red.)
I met this morning,
across the hedge of my field
a party of sailors,
workers and peasants.
Where do you go comrades
with those loaded muskets?
We'll ambush the Franks,
come and join our troop.
(Chorus:
The mermaid howls and screams
we run with the wolves,
the mermaid howls and screams
the green oaks will turn to red.)
My sweetheart cries it's madness
to rise to war against the Franks:
for me I claim it's madness
to remain in chains any longer.
She'll know pain and hardship
to raise the children,
She'll know pain and hardship
'cause I'm leaving for a long time.
I'll come in the deep of the night
as long as war will last,
like the women in black,
sad and lonely she'll be waiting for me
No doubt she thinks
I'm crazy,
my heart bleeds for catching sight of her
alone at our door.
And if I die at war,
will she forgive me,
for prefering my country
over the love she gave me?
Monte-Cristans also know and like La complainte de partisan, but most often than not just hum it a little, and that quite rarely: so far, the Presipality has never be actually invaded.
When they poured across the border
I was cautioned to surrender,
this I could not do;
I took my gun and vanished.
I have changed my name so often,
I've lost my wife and children
but I have many friends,
and some of them are with me.
An old woman gave us shelter,
kept us hidden in the garret,
then the soldiers came:
she died without a whisper.
There were three of us this morning
I'm the only one this evening
but I must go on;
the frontiers are my prison.
Oh, the wind, the wind is blowing,
through the graves the wind is blowing,
freedom soon will come;
then we'll come from the shadows.
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SOUS-LIEUTENANT CLAIRE BAIZANVILLE, GARDES DE L'ETRIER
While lovely Sous-lieutenant Claire Baizanville looks barely 25, she turned 30 a few months ago. Yet she already had more adventures -and probably killed many more men- than most 'gentlemen of fortune' during their entire life.
According to French tradition, as recorded in popular songs, it's at 15 that bold girls take the plunge of 'adventuring'. Indeed she was still 14 old when (being from Normandy, where the call of the sea is strong) she dressed like a boy and enlisted aboard a merchantship sailing to the Antilles. Once in the Caribbean she soon turned Pirette : it was at that time that a young British colonial wrote a touching poem after dreaming of her death.
After a few years she decided to live from her weapons skills on dry land, dressed in man's clothes again and went back to Europe to become a professional duelist. Her repute drew the attention of the secret du Roy and she entered French service -either posing as an innocent damsel (soon known in some circles as 'La Belle Dame sans Pitie') or masquerading as a young chevalier. Her service records are secret (a copy is kept in the locked files at the Presipapal Palace) but were oustanding. Thus, when a bounty was placed on her head across most of Europe (fortunately under various descriptions and names of both sexes), she was invited to join the Gardes de l'Etrier in Monte-Cristo.
Again her career was dazzling: sous-lieutenant does not sound much, but in this minuscule elite unit is already a senior field rank. And the Gardes are not promoted for their impeccable parades but for their achievements as Operatifs of the BSN: brilliant investigators / counterspies -and troubleshooters discreetly eliminating the troublemakers. There are *hundreds* of other 'Beautiful Ladies without Pity' in Monte-Cristan service, but few as beautiful as her, or as lethal, and with two notable exceptions not at the same time.
Then, while when duty requires it she can be a remorseless killer -either patient as a black widow spider when using poison or sniper rifle, or a deadly whirlwind of cold steel- she is basically a lovable, kind and joyful person: she would had not be invited to Monte-Cristo otherwise. Indeed she is seen here as an *angel* -according, of course not to any Church's canon, but to Monte-Cristan ethos: gentle, generous with her friendship, but turning to a merciless 'warrior angel' when our 'peace and love' way of life is threatened.
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